I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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