wrigley field is MILF paradise
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
