Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
