You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize