my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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