gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
