A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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