Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
