Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
