were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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