Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
