God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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