i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
