Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
