I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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