I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
