i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
