he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
