I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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