Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
