is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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