I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Green mimosas i think yes
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
