Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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