he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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