I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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