don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
