I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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