I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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