I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
