This girl is more easily done than said...
I met the friendliest cop last night
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
