You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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