hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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