i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
