It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
