I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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