i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
