Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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