so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
