I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
