Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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