She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
