There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
