New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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