i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize