Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
