We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
