if you like me you must not know who I am
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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