Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
