all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
