This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
