I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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