Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
