i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
