I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
