and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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