i think i scared a bird with my dick
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
