if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
