dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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