Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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