I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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