He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
