I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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